Trauma [part 3]

Simulated,
the blood was not real.
But all I could see were
those blue eyes.
I knew who they belonged to,
as I looked across the scene.
The beautiful eyes in a
bowl of ice with care.
In quiet whispers his
voice spoke to me.
The words weren't spoken in a
way I could understand.
And like the ice wanted to
make use of those blue eyes,
the strings behind the eyes grew.
And engulfed the bowl entirely

Zap!

Colleague behind me poked my back.
She had a smile, asked what I saw.
I looked back, and there was the
simulated scene,
but there was no bowl with those
blue eyes. And no eyes with the string
of veins that grew.
She waited eagerly for an answer,
but it was here I could no longer
be here anymore. 

Salt and Tar

On my temples I felt the hands touch my skin, and ran their fingers through my hair. The vast loneliness filled with ocean water, but their presence brought in sunlight. There was still salt on my wounds and it stung, but the warm caress was there. I was damaged and broken, but had someone to fall back on. They were the anchor and I was the lost boat, drifting. Timeless as everything felt, I described things by days. And so day by day, some days longer, I saw them.

Longer, some days they stayed longer. I could still see them outside of this Beach, but the feeling was not the same. I could not feel their skin the same way with my metallic frame. When I gently ran my hands on the sides of their neck and their chest, I could feel a pulse. A heart was beating soundly when I lay down next to them.

Whatever countless days it was, as I sat on the sandy grounds, the only thing enveloping me was the ocean water. There was nothing to worry about, I was sure. But the gut feeling, I still knew the 'time', it was always the same. They always responded to this feeling of pull I felt within myself. It was always when my soul started to long for them. But whatever countless hours passed on the Beach, there was no presence. The pulling sensation on my chest grew stronger, they would be here by now. Abandoned maybe, no they would never.

And so I went out there and looked for them. The chiral rain was pouring, across the grasslands of where I was were Beach Things groaning. They were all slowly floating towards something that I could not see and tell. I held my composure, and followed. Like all the dead people did, walking through their Beach, and into the ocean. Something felt off, and whatever I felt on this plane, I felt it on the Beach. The hairs on my skin rose, and hives started to riddle across my skin. When the BTs all stopped, and instead had formed a circle, I continued my steps. Walking through some of them, I could not see anything looking straight ahead.

Reaching the center of the 'circle' there were bones on the ground. Time seemed to have passed a lot since these bones where there, but there should have been a large crater here. No voidout? I ran my fingers along the bones, finally gripping the skull. I felt a presence, a familiar one. But it was hollow and cold, there was nothing there. With the empty husk of a skull, I clasped it with both hands. I looked around, the BTs stood there in a crowd, continued to stand in a circular formation. I sprung myself back, and my attention returned to the Beach, still holding the skull. The hives were intense along my arms and my shoulders, and it continued to rise along my neck and even the sides of my face.

The waves on this Beach suddenly grew still. Looking straight ahead, I saw them. But I felt the same hollow and cold presence, the same sensation I felt when I first touched the bones on the ground. I could not move, standing where I was, slowly coming to a realization. And yet I still held the skull between my hands dearly. While I looked ahead, and saw them reaching out to me. But it wasn't long till they slowly erupted into black tar. And the oceans turned into a thick substance, all black. 

Kyiv in my Heart

People I never knew, coming together.
The laughs, smiles,
I now hear the ghosts of their voices.
But the efforts continue, I see new faces.
And each time, they were like family.
United together, to continue and persist,
to never fall down.
We may hear the voices of those once here,
but along with the living, their voices
fuel our hearts. Keeping us strong.
Another day lived through smoke,
but it will never burn out the resilience.

Terrorist

I am met with those evil eyes,
staring at me like I was the crime, I stood my ground.
As the scared child behind me cries,
and the crowd around me, without a sound.

Is helping a human have stable food a crime,
is it such a scary thing to see someone with a smile?
Am I now the antagonist for standing around at nighttime?
Did you really think the dancing frogs were so vile?

'Food not Bombs', feed the hungry for free,
oh no not anymore, that is deemed an offense.
They go door to door like on a killing spree,
tearing apart families for only a few cents.

The world burns by your hand,
but you label me an arsonist.

Helpless sometimes, as I remembered
the last time I breathed in the toxic smoke.
There the crowd was, they never left.
No matter how hard you threw back,

they threw back twice as hard.
With the tears of broken families,
with the memories of murdered children,
forever in everyone's hearts.

Never to be forgotten

Trauma [part 2]

Push and pull,
wired in our brains,
the strive for connection.
But there's an alarm,
a warning, warning of a past.
And so the connection never comes.
pull
pull
pull
Then letting it jump off of a cliff,
and off to his little cave he goes.
Never to venture out.
His soul, he grips it with force,
'honey let it go, you're going to kill it'
But he puts it further into his rib cage.
run
run
run
Off he goes like a scared little boy,
though his eyes animal-like.
Teeth could have been sharp,
his hands only knew how to break precious things.
The rage he couldn't control, the pain he let flow,
But at night he would
cry
cry
cry
For all the wrong doings, and for
the things he never done.
And all he could ever done,
forever in this cycle.
Blinded, but those eyes could see.
And yet with those seeing eyes,
never met with the hands that would caress.
Always the ones that would make him bleed.
He continued to hold a tight grip
onto his soul.
Till there was nothing, as it faded,
and he was no more.

Nothing but a husk, that was once him.

Trauma [part 1]

Lost lost lost
I could not breathe
I held out my hand
but no one saw
walk walk walk

Lies
Lies
Lies

Like venom on the tongue
forcing me to swallow.
Like the wrenched claws
drawing on my skin.
Like the false words
forced upon my mouth.

Scream
Scream
Scream

But no one!
No one looked no one saw.
No one batted an eye.
I said I said I said
till I forgot who I was

Please
Please
Please

Just let me live.
I am nothing but a shell.
There is no one in this shell,
but flesh and blood.
What more did you want?
Did you like it when you drew on my skin?

Run
Run
Run

I had nowhere to run
Nowhere to hide
You were long gone and locked up
But the scars still bleed without blood.
Forever altered and written on.
This art you left me with

I had to pay the price of my soul.

Богдан

Cradle the small child,
there are no tears left in this man as he cradles that child,
the casket of a child.
No fresh flowers left anymore in that blue vase,
there is no home left that held that vase.

With only a cat in his arms,
and his father in the hospital,
There is no life left in the eyes of this man.
Eyes that used to burn so bright,
and could give warmth to anyone who looked.

Sway gently, the casket of a child,
no close relatives to surround with safety.
All he could hear were machines whispering,
getting closer and closer to his face.
But there are no flying machines around.

And silently, I said goodbye,
while he still remained alive.
Small wings of angels started to grow,
on his back. Soon to take flight.
Away from the pain.

10/20/23

Figurative, I wish it was all a dream.
Trapped, as he lies awake, I see the reflection
of drones from his eyes.
Shoot, shoot, shoot, like ducks from the skies.
But ducks you let live he said,
"Those you do not, ever".

Tiny small fans, usually four on each.
1, 2, 3, 4.
They never stopped coming.
5, 6, 7, 8.
Particles of metal fall to the grown.
Flying like birds, but explosives as hearts.

His eyes showed horror, but words told a different story.
Deep down, it is eating him alive.
Tearing him down, the living person slowly fading.
I still grasped at the spirits of my dead friends,
I try to hold onto his living soul.
As even the living are starting to whither.

I only saw drones from his eyes,
Just shoot, shoot, shoot them all down.
"They wiped away my home town,
killed all the children, men, and women.
they took the last of humanity my father had."
Figurative, I wish it was all a dream.

I wish the war would end

See You Soon Lily

The rain comes with dark clouds and lightning with thunder,
but it also grows the earth beneath.
Flowers flourish and trees shelter you from the sun.

Fall and winter kills the grass and all things living,
but they aren't really be dead.
She always came back next spring.

Solid and rigid metal can hurt a person,
but it helps you cut things down for new things to grow.
Only that day, its purpose was not the latter.

Your voice brought joy and happiness,
but now it only brings me pain.
I see you bleeding from that sharp metal.

Vases of flowers brightened up the room,
only now they wither quickly.
There is a rope hanging heavy right next to it.

Everything, everything, for all things once good and happiness,
they only bring me pain and misery.
They blame me over and over again.

Sleep. Sleep is supposed to give me rest,
but it made me see you hanging from that ceiling.
Over and over and over again.

I could not even hear everyone else anymore,
calling me to see if I was still here.
My voice never answered.

And later I could not answer, even if I wanted to

You Can Never Be Replaced

Why did I let you get away
away, away to no man's land.
So far away, I could not hear you anymore,
nothing but the wariness of your voice
before you left.
Nothing nothing can ever replace this
feeling of peace.
As I sit here and wonder when you
will return. When will everyone return?
To their homes, to their families and friends?

When will you return?

I see through your eyes, the blood on your hands.
Your own and someone else's.
The eyes of the enemy you looked down,
down, down as the pupils went wide.
Many mounds of bodies later you crossed
to the other side.
Was there sunlight? Was there feeling of calmness?
No you said, there was only death. But yet no remorse.
Courage consumed you, it inspired others around you.

I can't let them die in vain

Badger, don't forget about him

So you keep going back to the valley of death,
but on your back you carry the thoughts of your family
and friends. Those who you could not save.

Those who died in your arms

And so days went by, none heard of your,
your, your voice for many days.
Why did I let you get away?
But I could not hold you back,
for the pride to defend held strong.
That very thing needed so others can soon live free,

And no one has to suffer in pain anymore

Deprived of sleep, the Monolith spoke to me

Deprived of sleep, the Monolith spoke to me,
all dizzy and in fear, I felt the word creep.
Without thought, no, not without thought.

I felt like I could dance, it enveloped my soul,
felt no air breathing in, but my lungs were fed.
Deprived of sleep, the Monolith spoke to me.

No tenderness, but bitter and blood in my mouth,
I felt free in my own being, but lost without your words.
Without thought, no, not without thought.

So I ask again, please hold my hand,
you gave me the will I never had.
Deprived of sleep, the Monolith spoke to me.

Nothing but cold to the skin,
but I know you will whisper again to my ear.
Without thought, no, not without thought.

When will you cradle my brain,
as I continue to cower in loneliness and emptiness.
Deprived of sleep, the Monolith spoke to me.
Without thought, no, not without thought.

All The Dead Friends Still Spoke

I can't stop crawling back into your mind,
Many dead people written day and night.
My words voiced chaos but they were all still lined.

Write down those days like they were assigned,
Those days before were all still bright.
I can't stop crawling back into  your mind.

Death so common now, all so twined,
No goodbyes said, their words inside the bombsight.
My words voiced chaos but they were all still lined.

All signs of peace explodes in those mines,
My eyes could not run, but they saw in sight.
I can't stop crawling back into your mind.

The eyes still saw, but it was like it was blind,
Sense of feeling and movement all in a fright.
My words voiced chaos but they were all still lined.

Days go by, were they all left behind?
No they all flew around in my mind with great height.
I can't stop crawling back into your mind,
My words voiced chaos but they were all still lined.

I Do Not Know

My brain makes a buzzing sound,
and it does not stop stop.
My heart beats 120,
and it keeps pumping blood blood.
Nothing stops for the soul of the lost.

I panic, O' panic,
it does not stop, ever stop.
Nothing ever stops for the broken,
but does it ever stop for anyone?
My hands rattle and they shake,

as I start to hear the voices of the dead.

Hard for me to breathe I cannot breathe
I I I cannot see where is everyone
All of this felt strange I cannot see
and my muscles seized it hurts
I I could not feel My bones hurt

My hands were in "crab claws",
the fingers folded, and I could not move them.
They felt cold to my own touch, my hands,
like ice they could break at any moment.
Skin all pale now, felt invisible needles everywhere.

Breathe in...in? And out,
no no there goes the light.
I feel myself slip away,
felt no air in my lungs.
And in a blink of an eye,

I am now gone

Nature of War Unforgiving

Cold ice pricks my skin as I walk

Abundance of iron on my tongue

The air was harrowing with death and despair

And yet, I walked and walked and walked, to try and live

 

Very loud and loud, with a bang

Everyone’s ears bled, but you couldn’t sit around

You must walk and walk and walk

Only then can you see the other end of the tunnel

Monolith, where have you gone?

 I heard the voice who used to speak,

slowly fading…fading away.

The vast emptiness was cold

and made me grow weak.

 

Without hearing the words,

I was only an empty husk.

Mindlessly wandering around the empty land,

Where the trees were bare but with rotting birds.

 

No sound…sound, my eyes grew blind,

the voice I heard left me all twisted and twined.

Tunnel Rat

Everyday I wonder where I am, where is everyone. All the people I knew, there are only strange faces here. It's 05:00, I lie awake from tears and pain. "Another bad dream" I tell myself. Like any other day. But lying awake, now facing the reality of things, I felt this great deal of emptiness. Comfortable crisp feel, but it was the sensation of bugs crawling all over my arms. Yet, there are no bugs. My small blanket I had around me hugged me warm. But sometimes they felt like ice cold hands, no skin and only flesh. Emptiness itself is a stranger, as I try to make sense of the ways my mind wanders.

I continue to lie awake, sitting on my bed hunched over. I think, but think about what? It's coming close to 06:00. I look at my closed curtains. The sun is not up yet. Maybe it's a cloudy day? Fearful of checking my phone, seeing the words of my friend that I cannot find. My eyes closed, but I did not fall asleep. When I opened them back up, I was surrounded by dirt. A loud BAM startled me awake. Specks of dust fell on my face as I felt the entire earth shake. I felt dazed. How did I fall asleep at a time like this? I see nothing around me, nothing to defend myself with in case someone comes after me. There are no people around me either, but I hear a lot of screams and smell death. Faces of human beings once alive are scattered about the tunnel, their mouths wide open. They appear to be screaming in pain, and the burned flesh seems to be the cause. I stood up, using the damp soil wall as support. My hands trembled in fear...

I really need to get out of here...

It's hard for me to walk, my legs fail to keep me up. Sure, I guess I will walk along the walls. What choice do I have? So I walked as fast as possible, walking over the dead corpses. I can't describe it in words, but my hands felt like bones. It was as if they were jingling like wind chimes with so much trembling. My attempt to hug along the walls is going well, but I appear to be met with another problem. I see my good ol' buddy of mine, tied to a large wood by the waist? A pole in a tunnel? But trying to make sense of it will be a waste of time. I attempted to run but fell flat on my face. So I crawled, whatever strength I had. The weakness of my bones continues to fail to carry me. When I got closer to my friend, he was indeed toasted alive. But his flesh remained intact, and I could still recognize him. I saw those hazel eyes flutter open. He was still alive.

"I will get you out of here. Hang on."

I yelled, but tried to keep my voice down. I knew the condition he was in. I only realized just now that he had no legs. His left arm was broken. Some of his bones remain attached. He reached out to me with his only good arm.

"Get out of here..."

I ignored him, and did my best to untie the rope tying him up. My only option was to chew through the rope as best as I could since there was nothing to cut it with. My gums started to bleed, I tasted a lot of blood in my mouth. Somehow, I freed him. For what felt like an eternity, the ropes finally gave away. I picked him up by his only good arm, and carried him. It was no use getting him out of here...there was no point in getting him out of here. He appeared to be burned to the crisp, the smell of tar and the unimaginable smell of burning flesh. I am currently weak myself, but I can't just leave him here. He did not deserve to be just buried here.

I used both of my hands to carry him, so my only support was the wall. I leaned against it on my shoulder and continued to walk. Tears started to run down my face. I wanted to scream but couldn't. Fearing it would attract whoever is hurting everyone in my direction. Something grabbed the back of my neck firmly. It startled me, but I realized it was just my friend I was holding onto.

"Stop! Let me go and just run!"

He had a strong grip on the back of my neck, the nails digging into my skin. I ignored him. All I could do was spill more tears down my face. His fingers dig into my skin. I felt the sting and blood started to trickle down my clothes. Blood spewed onto my face, as my friend made his last attempt to tell me to drop him. I didn't. I continued my walk against the dirt walls. This was the only path I could take. Surely the end of this pathway would come sooner. I heard another THUMP, what sounded like an artillery strike. Almost lost my balance, but I continued on. I walked and walked and walked...there was no end. More dust, more rotting corpses, half-alive people. Still, I walked...all I could do was scream. My friend's grip that held onto the back of my neck was loose. The hand let go and his arm dangled back. Lightly moving it forward, looking as if I was cradling what was left of his torso with no limbs now. I still held onto him. The loud explosions and screaming in the distance started to get more chaotic. It got louder and louder and-

ZAP

I sat on the kitchen floor with blood on my hands.

I was bleeding

Frantically getting up, I darted to my bathroom. First aid kit was there, half-assed trying to wrap the wound with gauze and bandages. It worked for now...

I had my senses, I thought. My house, this bathroom. I slumped down onto the floor, my hands still covered in blood, having them against my face. Like a lost child all I could do was cry. I thought I was here, I am home now right? Yeah, I was the only one here. The emptiness of this house, all dark and cold. Over and over again, all I could see were those brown eyes. Covered in blood, burned flesh, and broken bones. The horrid image was all I saw whenever I closed my eyes. What was there for me to do? I cowered here on this bathroom floor, hoping it was all a dream. I quickly sat up, dashed to my bedroom and picked up my phone. With bloody hands that were starting to dry up, I frantically dialed the number of my best pal. It only rang continually non-stop. It was not a dream, it looked like. Slumping down against my bed, onto the floor. I lay down and curled up in a fetal position, like a coward I was. But what was left for me to do? The last person I ever cared about was gone. I had no contact with my family, being alienated from the people I thought were close. My own parents. So here I lie on the hard floor of my room. Replaying those images over and over, the pain sewn into my skin and brain. Endless cycle I can never escape from. Tears continue to run down my face. It could fill this room if it could. I had no other thoughts but to be curled up here in pain, wishing it wasn't me that didn't make it out of that tunnel...