Curiosity Did Not Kill The Cat

How long was I going to live for, I did not know. Death wanted me three times, and yet, I walked away with air in my lungs. The first time, I felt fear and cowardly, the rope let go. The 2nd, just too much of that medicine. But my body rejected all of that. 3rd, chemicals that should have burned my insides, but it didn't. The 4th time death escaped me was by accident, surely that could have ended me. As I felt myself going in a cardiac arrest. And yet, here I am. Healed.

Suicide, the many thoughts that troubled me for a long time, but now? I don't know. I was too curious to let life go at this point. How much can my mind be twisted? How much can my life bend? All these questions will be left unanswered if I just died right there.

Suicide

Trying to teach me that there was no use of continuous walking, but it did the exact opposite. I was left to walk in circles, wondering how much further I can go. If I walked a little more, what will be there? What will I see? To the outside eye, this may look like I have finally overcame the feeling of hopelessness. But it is still there, the thoughts of death are all still there. But for my life to end? I do not take it upon my hands. It still brought me a sense of peace, thinking of death. Whenever I felt that as if death finally caught up to me. It felt like I was finally resting, from a great deal of walking to nowhere.

Curiosity

It lead to insanity in a way, kept me alive. I'd rather be alive than to experience nothing. Whether that be pain or happiness. Life is too cruel to hope for happiness all the time. I did what I was told, I did what my mind told me to do. Feeding into the addiction, but still staying alive. I did felt alive, but dead at the same time. It took me a while to realize that in reality, I died a long time ago. I died when my body was abused. When a long lived friend is now lying down somewhere in a warzone. When I realized I had no way of changing the things in my life. Maybe suicide did achieve what it wanted to do. Physically alive, but the soul killed itself long ago.