Curiosity Did Not Kill The Cat

How long was I going to live for, I did not know. Death wanted me three times, and yet, I walked away with air in my lungs. The first time, I felt fear and cowardly, the rope let go. The 2nd, just too much of that medicine. But my body rejected all of that. 3rd, chemicals that should have burned my insides, but it didn't. The 4th time death escaped me was by accident, surely that could have ended me. As I felt myself going in a cardiac arrest. And yet, here I am. Healed.

Suicide, the many thoughts that troubled me for a long time, but now? I don't know. I was too curious to let life go at this point. How much can my mind be twisted? How much can my life bend? All these questions will be left unanswered if I just died right there.

Suicide

Trying to teach me that there was no use of continuous walking, but it did the exact opposite. I was left to walk in circles, wondering how much further I can go. If I walked a little more, what will be there? What will I see? To the outside eye, this may look like I have finally overcame the feeling of hopelessness. But it is still there, the thoughts of death are all still there. But for my life to end? I do not take it upon my hands. It still brought me a sense of peace, thinking of death. Whenever I felt that as if death finally caught up to me. It felt like I was finally resting, from a great deal of walking to nowhere.

Curiosity

It lead to insanity in a way, kept me alive. I'd rather be alive than to experience nothing. Whether that be pain or happiness. Life is too cruel to hope for happiness all the time. I did what I was told, I did what my mind told me to do. Feeding into the addiction, but still staying alive. I did felt alive, but dead at the same time. It took me a while to realize that in reality, I died a long time ago. I died when my body was abused. When a long lived friend is now lying down somewhere in a warzone. When I realized I had no way of changing the things in my life. Maybe suicide did achieve what it wanted to do. Physically alive, but the soul killed itself long ago.

Mephistopheles

Sound of my voice subdued.
I could not hear myself at all,
but a faint whispers of me.
Voice of all wishes chewed.

I heard him all the time,
during a moment of peace,
and in the warm sunlight.
Listening to those words were no crime.

Warn, was all he did,
he saw the darkness in my eyes.
Saw the iron bars between my ambitions.
Yet, he did not forbid.

'You walked the path of death' he said.
But even death did not want me in their heaven,
three times they turned me away.
It was not my life, but hope hanging by the thread.

Letting day pass, with sorrow side by side.
The hands of his reaching out to me,
corruption is he who seek.
And I, where hope has died.

Walk, walk, walk,
not looking for death nor light.
Life is like a puzzle, with every piece
having a meaning.
My spirit was made to walk in the dark.
To where he forever called,
And I forever walked that distance.
Till I could feel the cold hands,
and could no longer feel at all.