Tunnel Rat

Everyday I wonder where I am, where is everyone. All the people I knew, there are only strange faces here. It's 05:00, I lie awake from tears and pain. "Another bad dream" I tell myself. Like any other day. But lying awake, now facing the reality of things, I felt this great deal of emptiness. Comfortable crisp feel, but it was the sensation of bugs crawling all over my arms. Yet, there are no bugs. My small blanket I had around me hugged me warm. But sometimes they felt like ice cold hands, no skin and only flesh. Emptiness itself is a stranger, as I try to make sense of the ways my mind wanders.

I continue to lie awake, sitting on my bed hunched over. I think, but think about what? It's coming close to 06:00. I look at my closed curtains. The sun is not up yet. Maybe it's a cloudy day? Fearful of checking my phone, seeing the words of my friend that I cannot find. My eyes closed, but I did not fall asleep. When I opened them back up, I was surrounded by dirt. A loud BAM startled me awake. Specks of dust fell on my face as I felt the entire earth shake. I felt dazed. How did I fall asleep at a time like this? I see nothing around me, nothing to defend myself with in case someone comes after me. There are no people around me either, but I hear a lot of screams and smell death. Faces of human beings once alive are scattered about the tunnel, their mouths wide open. They appear to be screaming in pain, and the burned flesh seems to be the cause. I stood up, using the damp soil wall as support. My hands trembled in fear...

I really need to get out of here...

It's hard for me to walk, my legs fail to keep me up. Sure, I guess I will walk along the walls. What choice do I have? So I walked as fast as possible, walking over the dead corpses. I can't describe it in words, but my hands felt like bones. It was as if they were jingling like wind chimes with so much trembling. My attempt to hug along the walls is going well, but I appear to be met with another problem. I see my good ol' buddy of mine, tied to a large wood by the waist? A pole in a tunnel? But trying to make sense of it will be a waste of time. I attempted to run but fell flat on my face. So I crawled, whatever strength I had. The weakness of my bones continues to fail to carry me. When I got closer to my friend, he was indeed toasted alive. But his flesh remained intact, and I could still recognize him. I saw those hazel eyes flutter open. He was still alive.

"I will get you out of here. Hang on."

I yelled, but tried to keep my voice down. I knew the condition he was in. I only realized just now that he had no legs. His left arm was broken. Some of his bones remain attached. He reached out to me with his only good arm.

"Get out of here..."

I ignored him, and did my best to untie the rope tying him up. My only option was to chew through the rope as best as I could since there was nothing to cut it with. My gums started to bleed, I tasted a lot of blood in my mouth. Somehow, I freed him. For what felt like an eternity, the ropes finally gave away. I picked him up by his only good arm, and carried him. It was no use getting him out of here...there was no point in getting him out of here. He appeared to be burned to the crisp, the smell of tar and the unimaginable smell of burning flesh. I am currently weak myself, but I can't just leave him here. He did not deserve to be just buried here.

I used both of my hands to carry him, so my only support was the wall. I leaned against it on my shoulder and continued to walk. Tears started to run down my face. I wanted to scream but couldn't. Fearing it would attract whoever is hurting everyone in my direction. Something grabbed the back of my neck firmly. It startled me, but I realized it was just my friend I was holding onto.

"Stop! Let me go and just run!"

He had a strong grip on the back of my neck, the nails digging into my skin. I ignored him. All I could do was spill more tears down my face. His fingers dig into my skin. I felt the sting and blood started to trickle down my clothes. Blood spewed onto my face, as my friend made his last attempt to tell me to drop him. I didn't. I continued my walk against the dirt walls. This was the only path I could take. Surely the end of this pathway would come sooner. I heard another THUMP, what sounded like an artillery strike. Almost lost my balance, but I continued on. I walked and walked and walked...there was no end. More dust, more rotting corpses, half-alive people. Still, I walked...all I could do was scream. My friend's grip that held onto the back of my neck was loose. The hand let go and his arm dangled back. Lightly moving it forward, looking as if I was cradling what was left of his torso with no limbs now. I still held onto him. The loud explosions and screaming in the distance started to get more chaotic. It got louder and louder and-

ZAP

I sat on the kitchen floor with blood on my hands.

I was bleeding

Frantically getting up, I darted to my bathroom. First aid kit was there, half-assed trying to wrap the wound with gauze and bandages. It worked for now...

I had my senses, I thought. My house, this bathroom. I slumped down onto the floor, my hands still covered in blood, having them against my face. Like a lost child all I could do was cry. I thought I was here, I am home now right? Yeah, I was the only one here. The emptiness of this house, all dark and cold. Over and over again, all I could see were those brown eyes. Covered in blood, burned flesh, and broken bones. The horrid image was all I saw whenever I closed my eyes. What was there for me to do? I cowered here on this bathroom floor, hoping it was all a dream. I quickly sat up, dashed to my bedroom and picked up my phone. With bloody hands that were starting to dry up, I frantically dialed the number of my best pal. It only rang continually non-stop. It was not a dream, it looked like. Slumping down against my bed, onto the floor. I lay down and curled up in a fetal position, like a coward I was. But what was left for me to do? The last person I ever cared about was gone. I had no contact with my family, being alienated from the people I thought were close. My own parents. So here I lie on the hard floor of my room. Replaying those images over and over, the pain sewn into my skin and brain. Endless cycle I can never escape from. Tears continue to run down my face. It could fill this room if it could. I had no other thoughts but to be curled up here in pain, wishing it wasn't me that didn't make it out of that tunnel... 

Curiosity Did Not Kill The Cat

How long was I going to live for, I did not know. Death wanted me three times, and yet, I walked away with air in my lungs. The first time, I felt fear and cowardly, the rope let go. The 2nd, just too much of that medicine. But my body rejected all of that. 3rd, chemicals that should have burned my insides, but it didn't. The 4th time death escaped me was by accident, surely that could have ended me. As I felt myself going in a cardiac arrest. And yet, here I am. Healed.

Suicide, the many thoughts that troubled me for a long time, but now? I don't know. I was too curious to let life go at this point. How much can my mind be twisted? How much can my life bend? All these questions will be left unanswered if I just died right there.

Suicide

Trying to teach me that there was no use of continuous walking, but it did the exact opposite. I was left to walk in circles, wondering how much further I can go. If I walked a little more, what will be there? What will I see? To the outside eye, this may look like I have finally overcame the feeling of hopelessness. But it is still there, the thoughts of death are all still there. But for my life to end? I do not take it upon my hands. It still brought me a sense of peace, thinking of death. Whenever I felt that as if death finally caught up to me. It felt like I was finally resting, from a great deal of walking to nowhere.

Curiosity

It lead to insanity in a way, kept me alive. I'd rather be alive than to experience nothing. Whether that be pain or happiness. Life is too cruel to hope for happiness all the time. I did what I was told, I did what my mind told me to do. Feeding into the addiction, but still staying alive. I did felt alive, but dead at the same time. It took me a while to realize that in reality, I died a long time ago. I died when my body was abused. When a long lived friend is now lying down somewhere in a warzone. When I realized I had no way of changing the things in my life. Maybe suicide did achieve what it wanted to do. Physically alive, but the soul killed itself long ago.

Mephistopheles

Sound of my voice subdued.
I could not hear myself at all,
but a faint whispers of me.
Voice of all wishes chewed.

I heard him all the time,
during a moment of peace,
and in the warm sunlight.
Listening to those words were no crime.

Warn, was all he did,
he saw the darkness in my eyes.
Saw the iron bars between my ambitions.
Yet, he did not forbid.

'You walked the path of death' he said.
But even death did not want me in their heaven,
three times they turned me away.
It was not my life, but hope hanging by the thread.

Letting day pass, with sorrow side by side.
The hands of his reaching out to me,
corruption is he who seek.
And I, where hope has died.

Walk, walk, walk,
not looking for death nor light.
Life is like a puzzle, with every piece
having a meaning.
My spirit was made to walk in the dark.
To where he forever called,
And I forever walked that distance.
Till I could feel the cold hands,
and could no longer feel at all.